i miss ____. i miss____ so much. i dont know why right now it seems to be taking me over so much, like a warm bucket of emptiness being poured over my head, but i do. I miss ____ so much. it actually hurts. it hurts especially because i dont know what it going to happen when i go home. I dont know how things are going to turn out. i never know how they are going to turn out with ____ though. i should be used to this kind of ambiguity but im not. actually thats not true, to a certain extent i am. all of me isnt used to it or okay with it though. i thought that if i went home & ____ figured things out, no matter which way they were figured out, that i would be okay. because i am a strong independent woman and i dont need ____ or anything else to complete me. i am completed my Christ and the things that i get joy from and that it all. the problem is that i get joy from ____. ____ makes me really happy. ____ understands, maybe not me maybe not everything in the way that they should be understood but ____ gets it. together, we can talk about anything. go anywhere (emotionally i mean). we can do anything. I have realized though, that if things do not work out the way that i hope, the way that i have hoped they would work out for some time now, then i might not be okay. i might not be able to shake hands and walk away. i realized a little while ago, extremely late by the way, that i might have fallen in - - - - with ____. well, not “might” but that i did. after feeling something like that how could you just agree to be fine. to be nothing but the bare minimum. the thing is, i dont think ____ and I could do that. i dont think it would work. maybe that fault it more mine, and maybe it is not. i would like to say that it is less my fault, but hey who ever wants to take the blame for things right? especially things that hurt. no one wants to take the blame for those things.
the hard part about all of this is that i wont know any of it for at least 9 more days. i will only know the outcome of everything when i am not here. im scared to go home. im scared to stay here too. im scared to know but im scared to not know too.
and these are my thoughts for the moment.